Enlightenment doesn't always feel as great as it sounds.. pt one (draft)

Sleep failed me yet again as I continued to navigate through the perilous storm of my awakening.

At one point, I was absolutely certain that I had come far enough, grown enough, learned enough, experienced enough,all in all, I was "enough".  Yet I still knew or rather, felt, that I had not achieved enough. Not by anyone else's standards, but in comparison to my own,to the goals and dreams still yearning inside my heart.

 In near hindsight, I suppose this brings me to the realization that because I had not learned/grown/evolved enough at that point, I was quite simply unable to achieve all that I desired then.

I could not attain those mental trophies of my own success if I was not truly (even if unbeknownst to myself) the person who was equivalent to those desires.

As I became increasingly aware of this fact, at first I tried on denial, shooing aside this inner knowing with my claims of "being too hard on myself" or "products of negative thinking".  Then came the half hearted attempts on my behalf to force myself to evolve further, which simply does not work. Then confusion or perhaps again,denial, set in, as everything I had been so proud to covet and accomplish began to crumble around me, brick by brick.

During the shedding of old skin, I put on my bravest face for as long as I felt I could muster, hiding my dismay.

I then began to slide back and forth between the total belief  and understanding that this breakdown of things was leading to my next breakthrough, to playing a shameless martyr, accepting no personal responsibility for my pain and even in brief moments, I became the angry victim of some sort of curse or meaningless tragedy.

I spent many hours in solitude fighting, analyzing, plotting, crying, defiant against my inner transformation and the pain of the closing chapters it brought along with it. 

Many more times than I'd like to admit, I lost my faith,I strived for it, I reached for it, but while lost in my own misunderstanding of the process unfolding, I often found it hard to find.

There was a feeling of nakedness that came upon the shedding of my old skin. A certain (and rather uncomfortable) vulnerability came over me, as I stood halfway through the process, unaware of what it all actually meant, I felt confusion, the numbing isolation from my former self was unsettling and disorienting.

 I had spent so long and worked so hard to create, shape and mold my former self, I had been so proud, so happy,I couldn't possibly understand why I didn't feel like "me" anymore...What had I done (or better-failed to do)  to lose the momentum, zest and appeal I had become rather accustomed to?

Stripped down and bare, I cursed everything and everyone around me...I felt angry...alone..often times not even sure of my next step.

Somewhere in the midst of all that solitude, I became increasingly observant of my "new" self,  I began to witness that slowly but surely a new "me" was beginning to unfold.

As I was introduced to my new self, I acknowledged the differences: the new thought process, behavior patterns,  new cares, concerns, beliefs, the new desires and most pleasing to me, the new sense of empowerment and freedom.

I noted that the changes were on the whole, positive and more enlightened traits ... I became more conscious of my effect on others, the changes that I was able to make for them, nothing ego driven seemed to be of importance as it had so often before.  

The changes were foreign to me still, but each time I was able to acknowledge one, I silently nodded my head in approval of this new found personality and awareness.

This is when faith reemerged and I began to grow comfortable in my new skin.

To be continued....